It has been four weeks since tomorrow, Tuesday (or today, depending on when the post is published). Four weeks without Ella, which is so incredibly strange. These four weeks – this month, has been filled with thoughts and feelings. The only thing I'm completely clear about is that I don't feel good living without a dog.
I know that I nagging about it, but is it something in my life that has been obvious and natural, is it Ella. There has never been any doubt that she and I are meant to be together. She has been so natural by my side that I felt naked every time I moved outside without her. It has been almost physically painful to be without her.
Now she is gone, and I feel even more naked than ever. It is only now that I realize how big a part she has been in my life. And I don't just mean the silence of her paws as she moved around the apartment, or her cold nose against my arm, or her shitty, high energy, high-intensity barking when someone is outside the door. No, she has been more than that. She has truly been half my body, my mind and my heart.
There is, of course no other dog can take her place. It is her. However, there are dogs that can take their very own place in my life and my heart.
However, there is things that bother me immensely about this. I don't mind her being gone – she is exactly where she needs to be; I have no doubts about that. I don't blame her for anything either. What bothers me is entirely within myself, but is also what makes me really need to have at least one dog in my life.
I'm bothered by that I don't get out. I don't go out at all unless I absolutely have to, necessarily must. I take out the trash, goes to and from the laundry or ICA – and out with the possible day dog I have at home. Karma hasn't been here in a week, but will be here next week – then I'll get out anyway.
But then, I becomes so extremely fucking unsocial so it's a shame about it. And even though I enjoy my own company very well, it's fun to get out once in a while. Without a dog, I don't do it automatically.
I take fur draped floor and bloodstains on the floors during run all times before this. I take rainy and stormy, or for that matter, blazing hot, walks I don't feel like going on at all, all times in front of this. The disadvantages of having a dog do not outweigh even the pretend advantages.
So to finish this post on a more positive note; I hope I manage to fill my savings account with enough money – within a reasonable future, so that I can get my Cão da Serra da Estrela.
Preferably two, but not all at once.
Keep your fingers crossed that I can get my dog, at least until the turn of the year.