It's been at least a couple of months since I began to realize it would soon be time for Zoe. I don't think anyone else might have seen the same sign as me, But I know my animals very, very well and see those little differences very clearly.
It hasn't been I, so for everyone's sake, I chose to leave the big adjustment to Ella, as well as this one with Lilo and Floki, flatten out before it was time for the next big change. Now, however, it was time, and while Zoe hasn't been lying half dead, it's been clear that she wasn't having fun anymore.
It was calm and calm down. Two rounds of sedation were needed, because she refused to get tired enough for the cannula. I sat with her in my arms while she got tired and tired. Then I put her on the table while she got the needle and syringe, and held her and cried as she left.
I am incredibly happy with the day, as strange as it may sound. We got our last time together, with lots of cuddles, good food, even more cuddles, and I even remembered today to brush her so I got some fur to keep. I have done it with all my animals, and it would have felt awful if I missed it with Zoe.
But it's empty. It is extremely strange to have only one cat, when in the last ten years I have had two cats and a dog. It's quiet and empty and strange. It will take time to get used to not having my super social, rather rough cat who insists on washing me extremely thoroughly every time I happen to have my hand nearby, around me.
But what is strangest of all is not that it is empty and silent. The strangest thing is not to be loved by many. I'm used to being loved by three, here at home. And to love them back. Now it's just me and Molly, and while on the one hand it is not wrong to love and be loved by in katt, is it unusual.
There are none actual benefits of letting a family member go. Besides, possibly, that you don't have to wait for it to go away. Now it's finished, and the only thing left now is to learn to live without. And those are two completely different things, one of which is neither better nor worse than the other.
But none of that is particularly fun. Alls.