In recent days, I have had reason to think about what bad sides I have, when it comes to how I handle the dogs in my life. Namely, the first anniversary of my life without Ella is approaching, and combined with a series of other stressors that are beginning to subside, it results in a slightly less stable Malinka.
A larger number of pictures from the playdate in the rest yard with Boyo and Mozart.
None of that here is particularly flattering, but it's just to admit – I am no more than human. I am far from perfect, and I'll tell you why.
I react bad at stress, like that generally. I have an extremely low stress tolerance, because of my bipolar disorder. In general, I build my life around, among other things, this – I refuse to live hastily, I actively choose to live slowly so as not to trigger a negative spiral due to stress.
But stress is not just that hurry-hurry feeling. Stress also depends on things that happen that have a negative impact. I've had a lot of that around me for a long time. Yesterday when I was doing the dishes, I completely broke down over Ella, but I actually think it's also because some things I've been stressed about for several months, finally starting to drop.
Regarding how this affects how I handle my dogs (I say so, even if Lilo isn't min hundred per se) then it hits my patience very hard. I don't have the world's longest patience like that on a daily basis, and in situations like this it will be even shorter. I get irritated easily, righteous and frustrated much faster than usual. And I really mean it considerably faster than usual.
Fixed in regular case, I'm not particularly easily irritated, righteous or frustrated, so that might not say much.
Then I am, in addition to this, also very tired. I adore Lilo, but not her mother's working hours. My natural circadian rhythm is not compatible with these working hours, which means that I constantly sleep far too little. It usually works anyway, but some times – like now, when I'm sad too, annoyed and frustrated, it becomes extra stressful.
What I can do say in my favor is that I am at least aware of how I function, and why. It makes things a little easier. If nothing else, I can tell the dogs that it's not their fault that I'm in a bad mood.
Regarding She – there, there is not much i can say. For natural reasons, she ends up further and further into the mists of memory. I don't want that – I would prefer to have her so close to my reality, my here and now, as possible. But it doesn't work that way, and I've been through enough losses in my day to know that on every level. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I miss my Ella so much that my heart breaks.
And the knowledge about her being gone, that I will never see her again for the rest of my life, is terrible.
What applies for me right now, is to try to handle this in a way that doesn't affect the dogs that are actually here – Boyo and Lilo, in a way too shitty. It's actually not their fault, and I should be able to control my emotions enough to be good to them even though I'm not at my best.