Two years ago, pretty exactly at the minute, I sat on the floor of the vet with Ella in my arms. She first got a syringe, Then one more. It didn't take long before it was quiet and she was gone. Two years without Ella, and i think i bangs off.
There are certainly whoever wonders why I persist in writing about a dog that is long gone. There are probably those who think I'm crazy who keep track of how long it was. There are probably those who think I'm strange who insist on remembering birthdays, the date I brought my puppy home, and so on.
I don't care i. For me, there are certain days that are super important, and for me it is equally important to continue paying attention to them as long as I want and need. It doesn't just apply to dogs, but I am just as careful about the cats I lost. For me, it's about paying attention, remember and pay tribute – and to mourn. For mourners, I do. I've already broken down a couple of times in the space of an hour or so, only. Because I miss my Ella so much that I die.
I wish so that it was physically possible to have all the animals you collect throughout your life, alive, with him, always. Ella and Boyo would have been so happy together. Molly had liked both Sotis and Saga. Zoe had also liked Boyo, if she was younger and in better shape. I would have loved to have them all with me – plus all dogs, cats and any other animals I will have in my life going forward.
But just today it's been two years since Ella left me. I can't say it any other way, I can't bring myself to say it any other way. It's not possible. I don't want to. She left me, I left her. We left each other, and it tears my heart apart.
But here is I. Two years later, without Ella. I already knew when she was a puppy that I wanted a new dog the day she was gone. And without her there has been room for more dogs. She took up so much space, She, that she pushed aside all thoughts of a new dog during her lifetime. She wanted to be a lonely dog (because Boyo didn't exist then), and there was no room either (mentally and emotionally) for someone more than her.
A close friend to me said at some point that it is lucky that the heart is so big that there is room for more people to take their space and their love. And that's luck. Because while I will never stop loving Ella, and that love is infinite, so thankfully I can love my other animals too. Equally infinite, fixed in other ways.
But each special day with each dog or cat will continue to be special to me. For me, they are worth remembering and cherishing.