It has been more than a day since Ella had to fall asleep for the last time. Permanent. I myself have a horse job in front of me. To learn to live with the silence and space she leaves behind. My dog was of the kind that her personal space was at least twenty times larger than her body. She took a seat, I have written before that you adapt fairly quickly to new circumstances, Both physically, Emotionally and mentally.
Similarly that the last few days have been filled with “Last time with”, are in the coming days packed off “The first time without”. Just recently I started cooking, Without an Ella lying in the hall and looking into the kitchen with large, Cloven -round eyes. Earlier today I opened the pantry door without an Ella who comes rushing to see if I intend to pick out a leg or something else good for her.
I just devote exactly all my time to not have my ella, just no. The silence here at home roars. My steps echo in all the space she is not in. The emptiness is irresponsible large. There is not a single dog out there who will ever fill the void after my Ella.
It's so extreme Strange, and at the same time so naturally. I was worried about just that. That it would feel as natural not to have Ella, as it made her here, Life's living. But for some reason it feels like this is exactly how it should be. She has been here, And now she's not here. How the hell can it feel that way?
On and by; It felt just the same when Dad died. One moment he was found, the second moment he was not found. And when someone has ceased to exist, to live, Is it so incredibly hard to imagine having this one here, again. One is either one or the other. Alive or death.
There’s no going back.
I wrote one Posts about Ella on the bipolar blog earlier today. However, it is worth taking up here as well because it is after all about her, A dog. If you are unable to read the second post I can tell you that it is about the main lesson I received from Ella, But not realized until today. Absolutely incredible – ten years along with a dog, And not until the day after she's gone do I understand what she tried to learn in all these years.
When we did Ella's suitability test for the defense, was a comment from the test leader that Ella was so incredibly happy. And it can be calm and free to say was one of her main qualities. She loved to live, She loved people, she rushed through life and had fucking fun in the meantime, and she always expected the best.
The latter is Worth mentioning, Since on quite a few occasions during our years together I have thought that we have never ever met anyone who did not like Ella, or that wished her badly. I also thought I don't really know how neither she nor I would have reacted if she met someone who might beat her or kicked her. I just can't see it in front of me, even in my wildest imagination.
And I am Grateful for that. That it has not happened, and that neither she nor I could imagine it. I happen to have the conviction that what one is thinking, You get that. And this is where the great gratitude of the insight about what is my greatest lesson from Ella comes in.
When you have The attitude Ella had to life, is it difficult to fail. Then everything will be fun. I'm myself, Although I have a strong conviction of how it works, very bad at just that. But now I intend to do as I did when Dad died; bring in the lesson and develop Ella's best qualities in myself. It feels like the best I can do to honor her memory.
How to go Wear me ate I don't really know, But I think it will resolve. I just know that I intend to spend time mourning and learning to live without my Ella. At the same time I intend to practice her joy of life and carelessness. Besides, I intend to plan how the thousand I should carry on to be able to get my next dog. For I need a dog for so many reasons.