There are still things left that haven't been a year ago, since I lost Ella. Right now, the days before my birthday, It's been exactly a year since she was so bad that I thought I would lose her there and then. She was in so much pain she could barely walk, and it was only thanks to pain pills I had left since her life's first and only urinary tract infection, as well as the ones we received from the vet a couple of days later, I had to keep her for a few more months.
I am very fond of Boyo, but I have about five weeks with him, compared to ten years, two months and a few days together with Ella. For obvious reasons, I don't have the same strength in my feelings for him – than.
Men Facebook reminds me it's been a year, right now in the days before my birthday, as Ella's back hurt so much that she could hardly move. It was during the weekend before my birthday last year (this year my birthday is tomorrow, Wednesday) we were lying on the bed together and i thought if she has to go here and now it's ok. She was completely still and didn't move, and we lay there for a long time, long time. But then all of a sudden one of the cats scratched in the litter box, and then she got up to speed, indeed. Thank all higher powers for cats who need to go to the litter box at well-chosen times, that’s all I’m saying.
But then, I sitting here and breaking down. So it is. I miss my Ella so I snap. Thoughts and feelings are in conflict with each other, in addition. With Ella, it was not possible to accept day dogs. It would also not have been possible to get another dog of your own, eftersom Ella så tydligt behövde och ville vara ensam hund.
Så för att jag skulle kunna ta emot Lilo, stay, Flocks, och nu Boyo, var Ella tvungen att lämna mig. Jag är helt med på det. Men det gör dessvärre inte att saknaden blir mindre. Och det gör inte heller att minnena av till exempel hennes oerhört dåliga helg, eller de gånger hon förvarnade mig om att vi inte hade så lång tid kvar tillsammans, skär i hjärtat och tomheten fullkomligen vrålar i öronen på mig.
Jag minns det väldigt tydligt. På fredagkvällen tänkte jag att vi skulle gå runt kvarteret som sista kissrundan. Men hon gick så illa att vi vände efter en och en halv huslänga – det gick liksom inte. The next day I called a friend a couple of houses down, and asked her to look at Ella from a distance. It was because Ella became so hysterically happy when she saw people she knew, and then nothing appeared on her. My friend's reaction was – wow, that doesn't look good. And there was nothing that was ever said about Ella.
I am so heartfelt glad I had pain pills at home. I am equally grateful that we got an appointment with the vet a couple of days later, and that we were given painkillers. But that was also the time I learned she had mammary tumors, and it wasn't quite as fun news. The vet said that they usually remove an older bitch with such large tumors, but Ella was still happy, so I decided to let her be happy as long as possible.
But from and with now it didn't take long before it was time. We got about two and a half more months before it was due. And it's almost a year ago.
I didn't understand then how would I manage without her, and I don't understand to this day how I can stand up and breathe at the same time without my Ella. She was my anchor, and our needs for each other matched so incredibly well in so many ways (and not at all in any other way).
I do not think that I ever get over the loss of her.