A year ago. A year ago she was still here, I have written before that you adapt fairly quickly to new circumstances. With only hours left until it was time, but she was here with me. I still couldn't imagine what my life would be like without her. I still can't, a year later, even though my life now doesn't contain my crazy forehead Ella.
Grief contains so many emotions in conflict. I still miss Ella so it breaks my heart, but if she was still with me I wouldn't have been able to have Karma, Sigge, stay, Lilo and Floki here. Boyo I could have gotten anyway, because I am so convinced that they would have actually liked each other – but I don't think Ella had gotten together with any of the others.
I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to spend time with all these dogs, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I still mourn my Ella about a thousand times more. I am so incredibly grateful to have had her in my life, even though she was a difficult dog to live with. She has taught me most of what I know about dogs, and she has set a standard for the type of dogs I like and how I relate to dogs.
How can you be nothing but grateful for it?
But the sadness persists with wanting her to remain. Energetic and healthy – the last half year was really not fun. Especially not the last few months. But I so wish she could have been here to help raise Boyo. She had been good to him, and he had been good to her.
And at the same time – I'm not the same person I was when she left me. A whole year has passed, I have changed. Zoe has also left me and Molly, and Boyo have been added. The herd looks different, the energy here at home is different. It wouldn't be the same if Ella were here. If for some reason she could bring herself to materialize and trip up by my side and look up at me like only she could.
Ella with them beautiful eyes. Ella with the big grin. She, the happiest dog in the world. Ella who lived life at thousands of kilometers per second. Ella that could never be stopped. Ella who played police over the cats and gossiped every time they did something she thought they shouldn't. Ella who nibbled on blankets without chewing them (and, ok, sometimes she did).
Ella who doesn't got together with especially many dogs, but liked Boris, Mysak and Keisa. Ella who made me question how good of a mother I really was who couldn't get her not to pounce on the front door when someone came to visit. Ella who always slept with one eye open. Ella who always guarded me against other dogs. Ella, who loved all people and made every effort to greet everyone and anyone who happened to cast an eye in her direction.
Ella and me. Me and Ella. Vi, who adored each other.
I didn't understand then how would I manage without her. I don't know if I'll ever make it without her. It is strange to somehow live in two realities, because the fact is – I can manage. I stand up, I belong to others and I move. I also take care of the little prince, Boyo, and Lilo. Not to mention my little sessa, Molly.
But all that this combination doesn't take away from the fact that I'm breaking down and crying like a baby. I have a hard time understanding that a year has already passed since my last night with her. I stayed up all night to have as much conscious time with her as possible. We went for our last walk together. We waited together out on the lawn for one of my best friends to drive us to the vet. Then I sat there with her in my arms until it was over.