I have had the Karma here several days this week. In addition, I and the little girls had men visit the room; stay, an older polar blend old man of around ten bast which hung with us for a couple of full days. Both Molly and I think it's very cozy, while Zoe refused to come in from the balcony and only hisses as soon as one of the dogs gets too close. Muppkatt.
I have not wrote here in about a week. I haven't been able to. I haven't had anything meaningful to say, and I don't know if I have anything meaningful to say today either. Or yes, I have that – well. One thing I worry about when I don't have a dog full time is that I will forget how to do it. But I haven't forgotten how to do it, and that is a nice feeling.
What I think is hard right now, and I think that's why I haven't written since my last post, is that it's almost two months since Ella left me. Two whole months. I was – and is, very grateful that she warned me as far in advance as six months, because it has given me time to prepare, start letting go and so on.
But that me had forgotten how it feels, how to forget it now, is that as time moves away from the reality Ella and I shared, the less she is in the reality I am in now, alone. Without her.
And I miss her. I miss having my dog. Having other people's dogs here is super cozy, but they are not mine. I have no close relationship with them. And above all – they are not Ella.
Plus I think that it is terribly unpleasant how fast it goes, this with my dog who was so natural by my side, which was such an incredibly large and important part of my life, all of a sudden no longer has any connection to my reality. I don't know if I do it to protect myself, but I kind of have a hard time imagining what it was like. And it's so unbelievably nasty. That I can forget so quickly.
That's exactly what I was not really prepared for, although I should have been.
So now I'm sitting here after a few days of spending time with dogs, and cry like a child. Instead of having to go out several times a day, I will now sit inside without going out the door unless I absolutely have to, necessarily must. Jag har mina småflickor, men de har inte samma behov av mig som en hund har.
But above all saknar jag min dog. Och det jävligaste av allt är att hur jag än bär mig åt, hur jag än vrider och vänder på mig, kommer det aldrig någonsin att bli detsamma. Ella kommer inte tillbaka. Hon råkar nämligen vara död.
Och så blir det jätteklurigt, det här med att planera för en ny hund. Jag vill ju ha en, så planerna förändras inte. Men för varje steg jag tar i mina planer, för varje krona jag sparar, tar jag ytterligare ett steg bort från Ella. My Ella. Min verklighet förändras, och i den nya verkligheten finns inte Ella med.
Och jag förstår not, just no, hur jag ska kunna leva i en verklighet där Ella inte finns. I understand not.
De här dagarna när I had Karma and Egon here, for the first time I met people outside that I talked to. Told about Ella. One of them didn't know, the other had heard it. There is talk among dog owners around here – as it does everywhere, i guess.
I don't know why I was so sad just today. Probably because I think life is so terribly empty and boring without a dog. My dog. My Ella. The absolute only advantage of not having a dog at home right now is that I don't have to go outside when it's hot.
But that is also the only advantage.